Solstice of Heartache
by honeybeebear
Summary: It's been six long months since Amanda has seen Olivia, but when a case of seven dead children brings them back together, it's like it was just yesterday, and maybe she's just not ready to resolve the demons that lie between them nor forgive the heartache that she's suffered (This is the sequel to Where We Languish In Wintertime)
1. chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is part two of Where We Languish In Wintertime!**

 **Warnings for the following: Spanking, Graphic Sexual Content, Dubious Consent, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Minor Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, and Implied/ Referenced Suicide**

Chapter 1:

Although it wasn't quite like Georgia, the rays of sun beating down upon Amanda's back made her feel a little less foreign in her own body and space. She'd ridden with enough partners to feel comfortable with almost any cop but even after six months, she still looked over sometimes and expected to see Fin, or even, when her depression hit its lowest point, Olivia.

She'd had ghosts of her past chase her before, but never like this. Pain and hate she could deal with, but the ever growing despair and resentment tore at her soul daily. Memories were constant reminders and her salty tears strove to sustain her aching heart.

Wintertime had faded and with it, her affair with Olivia, but now the warmth of summer demanded of her to release her anguish. What Olivia had done, she had done for the both of them and Amanda realized her own choices had only been for herself, however, that didn't stop her from yearning for that relationship once again. At first she had been angry but that hadn't lasted for more than a month. Eventually, loneliness and longing had set in, giving way to a sadness that was much darker than rage. When she looked into herself now, all she could see was an endless string of solitary nights and when she imagined her life years from now, all she could hold onto was her job.

Homicide was nothing like SVU and at first Amanda had relished that, determined to prove her worth outside of the 16th, and aside from Olivia. Slowly, however, Amanda realized the unsatisfactory ending of most cases. There were no why's, no closure, no confidence in sending a criminal to the courts. These vics were dead, their spirits already gone. There was no one to help, no one to save...no justice. Throwing a scumbag into prison didn't resurrect the dead. They'd never be taking their lives back and now Amanda feared that she was just the same.

The sun shining through the cruiser window, spread over her chest and face and Amanda lifted her hand to shield her eyes. The universe could call out to her cold heart all it pleased. She wouldn't respond.

"You ready for this?" Her partner's voice interrupted her spiraling thoughts.

Jensen D'Mazhio had been with Homicide for almost ten years. He'd taught her a lot over the last six months and she even considered him a friend. Maybe if she hasn't been so consumed by her feelings for Olivia, she might have considered an attraction to him. He was dark skinned with unruly hair and black eyes, deep enough to drown one if they let themselves fall into his musclebound arms. He was just what she had once thought of as her "type" but now it just seemed laughable.

"Are you ever ready for the kids?" She asked, her stomach turning.

They'd gotten the case less than fifteen minutes ago. A group of environmental activists had found a body in a patch of woods in the East Village while on an organized trip to clean up the ditches by the roadways. The vic had been described as a little girl no more than 10. New York didn't get much worse than this.

"No…" Jensen murmured. "Never."

The pulled up at the crime scene which was already dotted with police cars and the ME's van. CSU could be spotted crawling through the woods ahead. There was a deep incline off the side of the road which then arched back up several yards away.

Amanda surveyed the scene with disgust as she exited the car. It wasn't the last time a predator would taint what was left of wildlife in Manhattan.

Jensen rounded the car, his chiseled features even more defined under his furled brow and the sun which cast shadows over his eyes. He stepped ahead of her and offered his hand back to help her down the ravine like ditch. She took his hand, quietly seeking to take some of his strength as they took the uneven trek downwards.

Amanda spotted the Homicide ME, Elizabeth Rodgers, crouched down next to the body which was partially covered in a yellow tarp. Amanda breathed heavily, pushing back the bile that rose in her throat. She could already see the bloody mess and the pale, lifeless face. This child wasn't ten...no, she was younger.

"What have you got, Doc?" D'Mazhio asked as they reached the rough, rocky patch of earth where the child had found her last bed.

"Female vic, dead maybe 24 hours." Rodgers replied with a frown, "However I'm afraid I'm going to have to call Melinda Warner."

"What do you mean?" Amanda stepped forward, dropping hands from Jensen.

"Signs of sexual assault." Rodgers said, peeling back the tarp.

Amanda's stomach took an even sharper dive as she gazed down at the little girl's mutilated body. She was naked and stab wounds were slashed across her innocent flesh, her tiny arms spotted in defensive wounds.

"Sweet Jesus…" Amanda whispered.

"Are you okay?" Jensen's fingers settled on her elbow and Amanda gritted her teeth. She hadn't thrown up at a crime scene since she was a rookie. She couldn't start again now.

"Detectives…" The CSU tech approached from out of the woods. His face was strained and Amanda could see in his eyes that there was only more bad news to come.

"What is it?" Jensen pressed.

"I think we're going to need more body bags." He said, jabbing a thumb back towards the woods. "We've got more vics…"

"How many?" Amanda asked. She felt like her head was underwater, her voice hollow and far away. She'd seen plenty during her five years in SVU and her time in Homicide but this was something else…. Not to mention the fact that this was about to turn into an SVU case.

Amanda had managed not to cross paths with any of her old co workers so far but Manhattan was only so big… She'd known it was only going to be a matter of time before their jobs intersected.

"We don't know yet. After we found the second one, we brought out the dogs." The CSU tech said.

Amanda glanced over at Jensen, and even his face was ashen.

"I think I better call Warner." Rodgers said. "Anybody want to get SVU over here?"

"I'll do it." Jensen volunteered.

She'd never disclosed all of her reasons for transferring, but Jensen was smart. He knew enough to realize that whatever remained at SVU haunted Amanda's every footstep. She wouldn't put it past him to have worked it out that she'd been involved romantically with someone. His curious and intuitive nature had irked her at first. She hated anyone prying into her feelings.

"No.." Amanda spoke up at last. "That's my old squad. I'll do it."

"Are you sure?" Jensen asked with a frown. She could see the wheels turning behind his dark eyes.

"Yes." She said, her stomach turning into knots. "You stay here and see what you can find out about the vic." Before he could argue, she turned and began to clamber up the incline.

When she reached the top, her heart was racing. She felt as if she had crawled out of the pit of hell. Her skin was perspiring and clammy under the hot sun.

She leaned against their squad car and tried to catch her breath before she grabbed her cell phone out of her pocket. She hated herself for it but she still had Olivia's phone number saved in her contacts. She'd considered contacting her several times but always trashed the unfinished text upon losing her nerve.

She scrolled down to Olivia's name and stared at it, her finger hovering over the call button. Her heart fluttered, shallowly, in a nervous pattern. She feared what Olivia's tone would bely, what she might be thinking after all this time.

 _Just fucking do it._ She told herself, harshly.

Finally, without thinking, she tapped the call button firmly and lifted the phone to her ear. It began to ring and she squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her forehead with one hand. She could feel a headache beginning to throb behind her eyes.

The incessant ringing began to push her anxiety higher until at last it finally stopped.

"Benson." Olivia's voice broke through the speaker, as clear as a spring morning.

Amanda choked over her words as she struggled to answer. "Hi… This is Amanda." She said, and berated herself for sounding so stupid.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a long moment and Amanda briefly reprimanded herself for not letting Jensen make the call.

"I'm down in the East Village." She finally pushed on. "My partner and I caught a case but it looks like it's becoming SVU territory."

Another beat of silence passed. "I'll come on out with Fin, then." Olivia finally replied. "Do you have any details?"

"Yeah." Amanda said, pushing away from the car and beginning to pace. "I just saw the body… She's maybe 6 or 7… All cut up-" Amanda choked, finally feeling the tears burning her eyes. She couldn't explain, but this combination of brutality with this confrontation with Olivia layered on top was quickly pushing her towards the edge.

"Are you doing all right out there?" Olivia's voice was neutral enough but Amanda could sense the concern carefully concealed beneath layers of professional courtesy.

"Yeah, fine." Amanda said tightly, gritting her teeth and gathering her self control. "But it's not just that… There's more bodies… It's like it's some kind of dumping ground."

"I appreciate the call." Olivia said. "Ask your captain if you and your partner can stick around. It sounds like we'll need your help."

"Sure, will do." Amanda replied, her tone just above paper thin.

"Good, I'll see you there."

With a click, she was gone.

Amanda's breath wavered across her lips and she leaned on the squad car, searching for her inner strength. She felt completely drained… And soon Olivia would be in front of her, sucking her of the last of her strength. She suddenly felt as if she had opened a can of worms. What would come out of this, she could not foresee or anticipate.

"Amanda, are you okay?" D'Mazhio's voice called out from behind her. She glanced over her shoulder to see him climbing out of the ditch.

"Yeah." Amanda straightened, forcing her emotions back under her mask of confidence. "I just spoke with Lieutenant Benson at SVU. She asked we stay on since the body count is high."

Jensen nodded, but his squinted eyes were studying her. She felt uncomfortable under his gaze. She could feel that he was about to ask about her well being again.

"I'm gonna take a smoke. Can you call the Captain and the tell him we're staying on?" She asked, shoving her hand into her pocket in search of her cigarettes.

"Sure." Jensen said, unclipping his phone from his belt. Amanda turned and walked off away from the crime scene to escape his eyes. She stuck her cigarette between her lips and searched her for lighter.

Her nerves were fraying at such a quick pace that she felt like she needed to smoke 20 cigarettes just to feel calm again.

Six months was a long time to run from her feelings but now in retrospect it seemed like only yesterday she'd been in Olivia's bed, in her arms. With one conversation, all of the memories she'd tried to bury and the wounds she'd attempted to heal, were uprooted and ripped open. She was raw all over again, feeling every single, visceral emotion. And as fucked up as it was, she finally felt alive again, as if the pain of hearing Olivia's voice again had broken through the despair and apathy.

Amanda stood at the edge of the cliff, hitting the nicotine over and over. She closed her eyes and willingly began a replay of their relationship in her head, tracking every single encounter through her consciousness until her being felt like it was going to burst. When she opened her eyes, tears drifted from beneath her lids.

In her blurry vision, a dark sedan approached from a distance. Her lips trembled, her fingers quavering until the cigarette dropped to the ground.

She was coming.


	2. Chapter 2

Dust swirled up from the gravel, whisking Amanda's hair up around her face, as the SVU squad car pulled up to the side of the road. It was so close that Amanda could feel the heat radiating off of the vehicle.

She was distinctly aware of the fact that she looked like hell, standing here at the edge of the abyss, eyes puffy with tears and her breath smelling of nicotine. She wiped her eyes quickly on one sleeve as she stepped forward to greet the detectives.

Fin exited on the passenger's side, closest to her. Despite the grim reason for their meeting, he appeared happy to see her and that hurt perhaps more than if he'd been cold towards her. Her exit of the SVU precinct had been abrupt, and to anyone who wasn't Olivia, without reason.

"Amanda." Fin said with a short smile. He reached out to squeeze her arm. "It's been awhile."

"I know," Amanda tried to smile, finding herself unable to keep eye contact. "Sorry about that. It's busy over here."

"Amanda…" Olivia's voice fractured their conversation and Amanda glanced up to see the lieutenant rounding the car. Her hair was longer than Amanda remembered, but her eyes were no less searing, even as they held the softest light. Her graceful stride carried her around the car and Amanda watched her with a palpitating heart. Her limbs were tense, holding her frozen next to Fin. Her stomach fluttered, as if to warn her that Olivia's presence was near. She hasn't lived with this feeling for six months and now she wondered how she had managed with it every single day.

"Thank you for agreeing to stay on." She said as she reached her. "I appreciate it." Her tone was sincere and Amanda could almost hear the double meaning layered beneath the pleasantries. Despite Olivia's professional air, Amanda's heart thudded at the thought that she was actually pleased to see her. The last time she'd seen Olivia was the day she had turned in her notice of transfer. The pain in her commander's eyes in that moment still pierced her to this day.

"Of course." She nodded shortly, her throat threatening to fail her. "It's a mess down there."

Their eyes latched firmly for the first time and Amanda drew a sharp breath. She didn't know if she could handle the truth the lay in Olivia's gaze and she wasn't sure how she'd make it through this case.

"My partner should be back soon." She said, forcing her voice above a whisper.

"Good," Olivia replied, "Let's get on down there, Fin." She headed towards the ditch, her hair and blazer waving through the breeze that her stride created. Amanda watched her go, her eyes trailing down the length of Olivia's retreating figure. Her mouth felt dry like cotton, and her fingers still trembled.

"It really is good to see you, Amanda." Fin said. "Let me buy you a drink later, ok?"

Amanda nodded with glance in his direction. "For sure."

He followed after Olivia but Amanda was still watching the lieutenant disappear from her sight. Once they had both descended beyond her view Amanda breathed out. She snatched another smoke from her pack and lifted it to her lips with a shaking hand. A low hum had begun to permeate her body, one she knew all too well. Olivia had broken her heart, that was for damn sure, but it was the broken pieces of her that were suddenly floating up again, realigning with her heart.

"Captain's just fine with us staying out here." Jensen's return startled her and she worked quickly to rearrange her face in a manner which did not convey her unstable emotions.

She flicked her lighter, bringing the small flame up to the tip of her cigarette. "Sounds good." She said, crossing one arm over her stomach as if to push down the warm sensation swirling down there.

"Hey, are you ok?" Jensen asked, stepping close to her. His dark eyes studied her, too intensely for comfort.

"Yeah, Lieutenant Benson and Detective Tutuola just arrived. They already headed down." She said shortly, taking a quick drag of her cigarette.

Jensen nodded slowly. "Listen, Amanda," He said, cueing her defenses to rise. She knew him well enough to know when he was about to start prying. "I'm not asking you to tell me everything, but… it just seems like you're upset about more than just the case."

"Could you be any more nosy?" Amanda asked, attempting to sound irritated, however, her tone emitted in a thick and uneasy manner.

"You know I don't bullshit around." Jensen said, clearly unashamed. "You're my partner and I'm responsible for having your back. If you're unable to work with one of those two detectives for personal reasons, you need to tell me now."

"No." Amanda pulled back in disgust. She realized she reacted much too quickly for Jensen to buy it, but she couldn't help the involuntary defensiveness that rose to her voice.

Jensen raised his brows and folded his arms. "Look, I've realized since day one with you that it takes a hell of a lot longer than six months for you to trust someone but you were with SVU for five years."

"Are you trying to say something to me, D'Mazhio?" Amanda snapped, rearing up in his face. She could feel heat rising to cheeks, but she knew it was out of embarrassment rather than indignation.

"Yes." He replied in a slow, even tone. "You're up here smoking half a pack of cigarettes while we've got a half a dozen kids lying dead in a ditch." He stabbed a finger down towards the crime scene and his black eyes flashed. "This isn't the detective I know. You may not trust me, but I've had your back since the moment you walked into Homicide and I've never seen you this way."

"You don't know me." Amanda scoffed, throwing her cigarette to the ground and stomping on it. Her eyes burned but she refused to shed any more tears on her own behalf on this day. D'Mazhio was right. These dead children were more important than her feelings right now. She couldn't allow herself to be swept away by her feelings towards Olivia. She had to get it together for the sake of the victims. Of course, that wouldn't stop her from defending herself against Jensen's accusations.

"Maybe I don't know everything." Jensen replied, his voice quieting, "but I know you're a damn good detective."

Amanda licked her lips and turned away from him, back towards the crime scene. "Yeah, whatever," She murmured, "Let's just get back to work."

She heard Jensen release a long sigh but she was already making her way back down the incline. The last thing she needed was for Jensen to get involved with her personal life. He didn't need to know about Olivia. They'd work this one single case together, and then everything could return to normal. If she believed strongly enough, she could almost convince herself.

When they made it back down to the crime scene, Amanda could see Olivia and Fin speaking with Rodgers next to the original body. She gathered a deep breath as each step took her closer. She felt like she needed a whole suit of emotional armour every time she came within ten feet of Olivia. It was going to be a hell of a long case.

Jensen strode up beside her, and overtook her just as they reached the other two detectives, putting his body between her and Olivia. "Lieutenant Benson," He stuck out his hand, "Jensen D'Mazhio, Amanda's partner."

"Nice to meet you." Olivia shook his hand with a brief smile. Amanda ground her back teeth and crossed her arms. If Jensen knew the whole story he wouldn't be so respectful of her former commander, but then again, she couldn't have it both ways. She either disclosed to him for her own commiseration purposes or she kept him in the dark in order to keep her pride intact.

Fin and Jensen exchanged pleasantries before Jensen turned to Rodgers, "Anything more you can tell us?"

"I did four years as SVU ME," Rodgers replied, "and I've seen a hell of a lot in Homicide, but this..."

"What is it?" Amanda asked, shouldering around Jensen.

"Look at this," Olivia stepped forward to kneel beside the body. She lifted the child's small hand and pointed to the fingers, "Her fingernails are painted."

"So?" Amanda said, "She's a little girl."

"Its fresh." Olivia said, "I don't know about you, but when I was this young, the polish I used was cheap, from the drug store. It would chip off in a matter of days. Not to mention, my mother would never have allowed me to wear crimson nail polish at six."

Amanda knelt down as well, taking a closer look. She swallowed hard as she studied the tiny nails, meticulously painted in dark red. There was hardly a scratch on them. She glanced over at Olivia, finding her a mere foot away. Olivia held her gaze for only a moment before she turned her eyes back to the body.

"Now look at her hair." She reached a gloved hand up to the little girl's head. "Her hair was dyed. The roots are dark, but it's been dyed blonde."

"And it's braided." Amanda murmured, lifting one tail of a hair. There wasn't a hair out of place.

"When I got here," Rodgers said, "She was covered in branches and leaves and she was laid out straight on her back with her arms to her sides."

"He cared about her." Fin added.

"But look what he did to her." Jensen said. "Aside from her head and hands, she's completely cut up. That's rage."

"She didn't live up to his expectations." Olivia said, laying the girl's hand down and sinking back on her heels. "He tried to mold her to his fantasy, but she's not what he really wanted."

Amanda's heart stung and she realized she'd become far too focused on Olivia, rather than the crime scene. Hearing that explanation, coming from Olivia's mouth, made Amanda's brain race. She knew that she and Olivia hadn't worked out for several reasons, but maybe she'd never had a chance. Maybe she'd never been what Olivia wanted.

"Then who is?" Jensen's question echoed without response across the ravine.

 _Not me...I'm no one._ Amanda lowered her head and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment against the raging agony inside her. She could still taste the cigarette on her lips and she felt like she needed another. She was standing over a dead child and all she could think of was herself. Maybe she should just throw her shield down to it's grave along with this little girl.

Silence fell over the group of solemn detectives for a long moment before Amanda asked quietly, "What's the body count at?"

"Seven so far." Rodgers replied. "The last one they found is severely decomposed."

"He's been doing this for years." Olivia shook her head and rose to her feet.

"Let's just hope he was dumb enough to leave DNA at some point." Fin said. "He's gotten away with it for this long. Maybe he's confident enough to think he won't get caught."

"Or his DNA isn't even on file." Amanda added, hollowly. "He's been smart enough to get this far."

"Yeah, but he left all his eggs in one basket." Jensen gestured out towards the surrounding woods. "He just left her under some leaves? Why not bury her?"

"He could be planning on returning to visit." Olivia suggested.

"This guy seems more like the type to be on to his next victim." Amanda said, straightening. "He left her here with the others because she didn't satisfy him. Why would he come back?"

"Guilt...Remorse…." Olivia said, quietly, causing Amanda to glance over at her strained, focused expression. The wind carried strands of her hair up about her cheeks and jaw, nearly whipping her eyes from Amanda's sight. Amanda's heart squeezed at the emotion lying in the other woman's gaze. She couldn't help but wonder if Olivia's was connecting the same feelings in this moment as Amanda was.

Olivia cleared her throat, and the saddened expression slipped back beneath a veneer of control. "This vic represents a real child," She stated," one he obviously cares for."

"How do we know she isn't already dead as well?" Jensen asked.

"We hope she isn't one of them." Fin offered the bleak, fleeting chance.

"It's going to take Warner a while to get through these autopsies." Olivia said. "In the meantime, we need to find this child's parents and any others that are recognizable."

"Do you want to reach out to the media?" Jensen asked.

"Not yet." Olivia replied. "I want to schedule a detail on the site tonight in case he returns."

"I'll sit on it." Amanda immediately volunteered. She felt guilty for thinking so selfishly and perhaps catching this perp would make her feel better about herself, not to mention, sever her involvement with SVU again.

"As will I." Olivia stated.

"Wait." Amanda resisted swiftly, her heart dropping to her stomach. She hasn't expected Olivia to suggest them partnering up. "With all due respect, Lieutenant, I already have a partner."

Wind whistled softly through the trees, and even a bird chirped in the silence that felt over the circle of detectives.

Olivia raised her brows and snapped her gloves off of her hands as she said, "I thought you wanted to stay on this case, Rollins."

"It's fine, Amanda." Jensen stepped in, ever the mediator, and laid a hand on her arm. "Detective Tutuola and I can search for the parents."

Amanda glanced over him, and he locked eyes with her, quietly urging her to follow along. She knew they all wanted this guy but it was hard to imagine surviving the night in a small, dark place next to Olivia.

"Fine." Amanda replied, curtly, at last before she turned and left the group. She needed to get the fuck away from Olivia before she did something irrational. With the way her emotions were swinging, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to hurt her or kiss her. Neither was wise, both could land her on suspension, or worse, unemployment.

She heard footsteps behind her and when she turned, she wasn't sure if she was relieved or not to see Jensen.

"Amanda!" He caught up to her and grabbed her arm to pull her angry strides to a halt.

"What?" She asked, yanking her arm away.

"What's going on here?" He questioned, his expression a mixture of concern and befuddlement.

"None of your business, D'Mazhio." She folded her arms.

"I've seen you get fired up about a case but I've never seen you back talk a lieutenant." He pointed a finger back towards Olivia. His righteous indignation didn't faze her. She knew he was by the book but her respect did not extend to Olivia, only her desires. That in and of itself was reason enough to recuse herself from the case. Then again, if Olivia really was such a renowned lieutenant of the NYPD she would've never asked Amanda to work with her in the first place. It shouldn't have fallen to Amanda to make the right decision - again.

"Well, obviously, you don't know me as well as you think you do." Amanda responded, her voice rising and quivering. "That shit was part of my daily routine at SVU, okay?!"

Jensen seemed taken aback, his brow drawing tight. Amanda cursed quietly, realizing she'd said too much.

"Just forget it, okay?" She murmured, rubbing her fingers against her aching forehead.

"It was her the whole time..." Jensen said, quietly. His tone was apologetic but it pierced her heart more deeply than his anger could've.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She whispered, fighting against the sting of tears in her eyes.

"I'm not blind or stupid, Amanda." Jensen returned. "I'm a detective. It's my job to uncover people's darkest secrets."

She felt his hand on her arm, rubbing gently. She turned away from him, refusing to accept his tenderness. She didn't need him to understand or to offer comfort.

"I'm not a suspect." She replied, wiping her eyes with one hand. "So stop digging." She stepped away from him quickly and headed up the edge of the incline. She had to save her strength for the night. She couldn't continue to expend her emotional energy on pointless conversations.

The sun beat down upon her tear stained face as she climbed upwards. She lifted her face to the warmth, knowing that when the night came, she would long for light of the sun again and again.


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda was grateful for summer's long days as the the last rays of the sun burned slowly into the dusk at half past eight.

The day had been grueling and Amanda expected no less of this evening.

They had been able to identify the little girl, the seventh, most recent victim. Her name was Maggie Wilcox, six years old, from Queens. Notifying the parents was generally one of the worst parts of the job and Amanda was relieved to at least be reprieved of that, however, with dusk settling in, Amanda found herself squirming inside.

Their squad car was parked at the end of long drive way across the street from the dump site, all of the lights off. Summer's heat plagued them and Amanda had rolled down the windows for some relief.

Olivia sat in the driver's seat, her face turned towards the ravine. She appeared focused on the image, but Amanda couldn't help but to continuously glance over at her. As angry as she had been this afternoon, Amanda still yearned to know Olivia's feelings and thoughts towards her. She was always so guarded that Amanda could barely ascertain anything from her expression. It was pure torture sitting in silence while Amanda grew more and more uncomfortable.

There were so many questions swirling through her brain, so many things she wanted to know and to hear directly from Olivia's mouth.

"Why'd you ask me to stay on?" She asked at last, breaking the silence between them. The only other sound were the insects humming from the trees.

Olivia glanced over at her, "You're a good detective." She said simply.

"I'm a homicide detective." Amanda countered. "We deal with drug deals gone wrong... accidental shootings… Things that have no rhyme or reason other than anger or mishap."

"What are you saying?" Olivia asked with a frown. Her face was just visible with the light of the moon and Amanda looked back at her for a moment. She'd been dreading this stake out, but now it almost seemed a relief that they were alone together.

"I mean… We're not the same anymore.." Her voice fell to a whisper and she looked away, unable to stand the intensity of Olivia's eyes.

"I don't think we ever were." Olivia responded. Her tone was soft, almost approachable. Amanda was surprised when she felt her reach over and touch her hand. She swallowed hard at the warmth of her fingers. She stared down at the length of Olivia's hand covering hers before glancing over at the other woman. Their eyes met and Amanda was bewildered to see Olivia's eyes glistening in the dark.

"I'm sorry for what I put you through." She whispered, her voice remaining strong enough for Amanda to believe. She was shocked at Olivia's sudden apology and she grappled for words. After all this time and anger, she had expected the same harsh, unyielding lieutenant she had left six months ago. Maybe remembering all the hurt and anguish had kept her anger alive as something for her to feel besides heartbreak. Olivia's apology finally meant that she was taking responsibility as Amanda had always wanted, but it also exonerated her. The rage that had pushed her through these last few months fought to stay alive, to find some lie in Olivia's eyes.

I…." She struggled to speak.

"Don't." Olivia squeezed her hand before releasing it. "I know what I did was wrong. I've lived with that every day for the last six months." She glanced away but Amanda could see her quickly dash a tear away. "You can take that however you please but to answer your question… I asked you to stay on because I wanted this conversation."

"You could've called." Amanda whispered.

Olivia smiled tightly. "Imagine getting that call from me." She looked back over at Amanda and shook her head, "What would you have done?"

Amanda spread her hands, "I don't know...Picked up the phone and.."

"And tell me to go fuck myself?" Olivia finished with a wry chuckle.

Amanda couldn't even protest. She gazed out the front windshield into the night, grasping to understand her emotions. She'd lived with the weight of Olivia's rejection for so long that it seemed strange to struggle to feel resentment. With all her heart, she wanted to hold onto her anger. It was all she had left of their affair and it seemed like Olivia would be getting off far too easily by simply apologizing. It couldn't be that painless. Sure, she'd shed a few tears but Amanda could not imagine that Olivia had survived as much heartache as she had. She hasn't endured the knowledge that no matter what she did, she'd never be good enough or important enough.

"I never blamed you." Olivia went on. "And I wouldn't blame you now if you still hate me."

Amanda barely passed a scoff for a laugh. "I don't _hate_ you. But that doesn't mean I forgive you either."

Olivia nodded slowly as if accepting that outcome, but that only served to sharpen Amanda's pain. She had begged Olivia over and over again but not once at she forced Olivia to her proverbial knees in desperation.

"I think what I want...what I really want…. Is to see you suffer as much as I did." Amanda said, coldly, enunciating each word as if to dig an actual blade into Olivia's flesh. Olivia visibly flinched, her brows and lips drawing tight. Finally, she saw a glimpse of sorrow in Olivia's gaze, something tangible to salve her raw, reopened wounds.

"You're wrong if you think I never did." Olivia's voice was raspy, and Amanda could hear the tears threatening to choke her.

"No?" Amanda asked, incredulously. She shifted in the seat to face Olivia, her face flushed with anger once again. "I don't think you were the one who spent all those nights bent over your goddamn desk wondering when something would finally give! I don't remember you ever begging to have a chance with me or to stop denying my feelings for one _fucking second_. I don't remember you lying in a cold bed after I left, knowing that it was going to be the first and the last time you'd ever make love to me again…." Her voice finally fell, trembling and cracking in pained outrage.

Olivia face was turned away, one quivering hand lifted to her mouth. Amanda could see a tear slide down her cheek and as much satisfaction as it garnered, she could not feel completely justified. Some part of her knew that making Olivia hurt would not heal her wounds but her stubborn, aching heart strove to do so anyways. She needed to see Olivia drop as low as she had.

"I don't remember any of that…" She whispered at last. "And if you suffered from guilt and regret...well, then at least one of us got what we deserved."

Silence fell over them as Amanda's vehement tirade ended. For a long moment, all that Amanda could hear was the chirping of insects and the breeze in the leaves.

Finally, Olivia spoke, "What do you want to do to me?" He tone was even but raw from unshed tears. The question made Amanda's body flash hot, and her heart jump.

"Wh-what do you mean?" She faltered.

Olivia looked over at her, her expression remaining that of unyielding strength. Moisture glistened in her eyes but Amanda could not ignore the soft fullness of her lips which delivered the enticing question.

"You want me to suffer…." She whispered. "How?"

Amanda swallowed hard, her heart fluttering in surprise and sudden arousal. Her stomach cramped with the ache of desire that suddenly reared to the forefront of her brain. She'd imagined many things but not this. Olivia's willingness to play into her destructive desires both aroused her and frustrated her. Perhaps if Olivia resisted, bringing pain upon her would be more satisfying. Complacency wasn't in Olivia Benson's book and it sure as hell wasn't in Amanda's

"No….that's...that's not what I meant." Amanda attempted to deny. She pushed back in her seat but there was only so much space to put between them.

"Yes it is." Olivia replied. "I know you wanted to hurt me then and I know you want to hurt me now."

Amanda licked her dry lips and dug her fingers into the edges of the seat. "No." She shook her head.

"There's a lot more I deserve than guilt and remorse." Olivia said, softly.

Amanda stuttered, shocked by Olivia's desires to be punished for her indiscretions. It was overtly obvious that this wasn't fueled only Amanda's heartbreak, but also by Olivia's guilt.

"So tell me…" Olivia murmured, her hand slipping across the seat to touch Amanda's again.

Amanda swallowed once more as her breathing turned to panting, "I just… I want you to know what it felt like." She could feel the cracked pieces of her heart aching even as her groin throbbed in tandem.

"What what felt like?" Olivia urged, softly, biting as her lower lip.

Amanda blinked against the sting of tears in her eyes. The two tornadoes of emotions clashed tumultuously inside her, arousing a storm of overwhelmed, mixed reactions. She didn't know whether to cry or scream.

"Being punished…" She whispered, her tone choked. "Being humiliated _every_ , _single_ day…" She sucked in a breath against a sob that threatened to rise up her throat.

Olivia squeezed her hand as if to encourage her and Amanda finally reached back, their fingers tangling together.

"Being taken advantage of…" Amanda whispered through tears, "Being touched and caressed….then being thrown down…oh god…" The deluge of emotion finally engulfed her and she yanked her hand away from Olivia's to cover her face with both hands. Her body shook as she tried to contain her breakdown into the palms of her hands.

Olivia leaned in closer and Amanda felt her arms wind around her, pulling her close. Amanda resisted for the sake of her own ego before the warmth of Olivia's arms collapsed the last of her strength. She sank against Olivia's chest and pressed her face to her neck. She smelled exactly as she remembered, like flowers and citrus, and the softness of her skin smooth as satin.

But even as she allowed Olivia to comfort her, she inwardly screamed. Once again, it was her that was crying and broken. It was still her that dragged herself, whimpering and weak, to Olivia's arms. Nothing had changed. Perhaps even now, Olivia was secretly getting off on hearing her deepest pains and having control over them…

Olivia gently petted the back of her head and her back in a manner that was far too soothing.

For the last six months, Amanda had wondered what would happen should their lives intersect again, but she had never imagined it quite like this, with Olivia holding her and comforting her. She'd imagined something much more violent and calamitous, but maybe that was her brain's own rambling desires. Still, Olivia had no right to profit from her torment like this.

Amanda pulled herself back, sniffing away tears.

"Let me go." She whispered, hoarsely. Olivia's arms slowly loosened and Amanda extricated herself quickly. She rubbed the tears from her cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt before tossing a watery glare in Olivia's direction.

"Don't touch me again unless I say you can."

In the dark, Olivia's throat bobbed with a swallow. Her concrete visage cracked for half a second and she nodded at last.

"Of course."

"I still don't forgive you." Amanda muttered, glancing back out at the dark ditch across the street. She prayed for something to appear there, just to save her from this horrible situation. Her sinuses ached from crying and she was extremely humiliated by the entire encounter.

Silence stretched between them for nearly half an hour before Amanda leaned her seat back and closed her eyes. She needed to escape from the car and the only way out right now was sleep.

"Let me know if he comes back." Amanda mumbled to Olivia, her eyes already heavy from emotional exhaustion. Olivia replied an affirmative but Amanda hardly heard her.

She fell into a fitful sleep, where fleeting glances of Olivia flitted across her brain with strange and twisted subtexts. She couldn't hold on to any one dream, but each one rattled her brain with delusions of naked, moist flesh or angry, violent trysts.

She didn't awake until she felt Olivia shake her. Her brain struggled to rise from her disturbing slumber as Olivia hissed her name.

"Amanda, we've got a visitor."

Amanda moaned, pushing herself up. Her head felt dense with cobwebs of sleep, and her eyes and mouth were dry and scratchy. She managed to forced her eyes open and focus her vision on the dump site.

Across the street, a dark van had pulled up. The vehicle's lights spread swaths of light across the empty road and ditch for a moment before the engine turned off and they were plunged into darkness once more.

Amanda was immediately awake, her eyes wide, her heart racing.

A figure emerged from the van, a hooded shape that hesitated for only a moment.

Then he headed straight into the ravine.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia's and Amanda's hunched figures darted across the the darkened street, both of them having their guns drawn. They reached the back end of the van and Amanda pointed towards the license plate.

"Jersey plates." She whispered, reaching for the radio. She crouched next to the bumper to connect to Central. "SVU portable to Central, I need a run on a Jersey plate."

Olivia shifted in front of her, ducking her head out to catch a glimpse of the ravine ahead.

Amanda's heart pounded heavily, her gun and radio slick in her grip as she whispered the plate number. The radio chirping and responding seemed far too loud in her ears against the silence of the deserted road.

"SVU portable, that plate belongs to a dark gray Chevy Astro, registered to a Mark Duvall. No APBs, no warrants."

Amanda glanced quickly over the make and model on the van, noting that it matched the plates, before catching Olivia's gaze. They exchanged nods and Olivia motioned for them to head down the ravine. Amanda rose to her feet and followed Olivia into the grass and dirt. She adjusted her grip on her gun as Olivia brought her flashlight to bear on the incline below them.

Light blazed across the trail, washing over a man kneeling where they had found the body. He was pawing through the leaves and branches and Amanda could hear him muttering in a panicked tone.

"No, no, no…." He sat back, his hands flying up to grip his hair.

"Lose something, Mr. Duvall?" Olivia asked, stepping up behind him, gun and flashlight directed at the back of his head.

He spun, his visage marked in desperation. Stark, cold, blue eyes darted wildly between them, his dirtied fingers squeezing in unruly, grey and brown locks.

"Who...who are you?" He asked.

"Police." Olivia stated, "Stand up."

"Wh-what?" He reached one hand back towards the ground behind him, looking like a caged, wounded animal seeking escape.

"You heard her." Amanda snapped, surging from behind Olivia's shoulder. "Get up, let's see some ID."

He rose slowly, his hands lifted. They were shaking. Amanda almost scoffed in disgust at the cowardice.

"I… I don't have any." He said slowly.

"We saw you drive here. You were driving without a license?" Olivia asked, lifting the flashlight higher into his face.

He cringed, attempting to shield his eyes. "I…I just don't have it on me….it's in the car."

"Right…" Amanda said slowly, "What are you doing down here?"

"I'm… Looking for something." He said, his eyes drifting back towards the burial ground.

"What are you looking for?" Olivia demanded.

He licked his lips and Amanda could see the panic welling in his eyes. He was about to lie through his teeth.

"My camera." He said at last

"A camera?" Olivia repeated.

"Yeah…. I came here with my family and I lost it."

"You lost it all the way down here, in a ditch on the side of the road?" Olivia asked, skeptically.

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"What are you doing in New York?" Amanda asked. "We checked your plates. We know you're from Jersey."

"I work here." He said. "Can I go now?"

"Why don't we all walk up together and you show us that ID." Olivia suggested with a tight smile.

"Sure, whatever."

He attempted to smile back but Amanda recognized the look of desperation in his eyes. Whether there was an ID in the van or not, this guy was guilty of something and it wasn't unlikely that he was their killer. His story about losing his camera was bullshit and they all knew it.

Olivia directed him to walk ahead of them and Amanda trekked up the cliff behind them, following the path of Olivia's flashlight. When they reached the top, Amanda shouldered her way around Olivia to get right up behind Duvall.

She didn't trust him and some part of her urged her to protect Olivia. She knew damn well that the lieutenant could take care of herself but that didn't stop her from putting herself between them. Even after her outburst in the car, after all this time and anguish…. She hated herself for it, but her base instincts were running high.

She lifted her gun with both hands as Duvall opened the door of the van slowly.

It was then that Amanda noticed that the van was still running.

"Hold up-" She began to protest right as Duvall jumped into the driver's seat, slamming the door behind him.

"Stop! Stop right there!" She shouted as Duvall cranked the van into drive. She lunged forward, thanking god that the window was rolled down, as she grabbed onto the escaping bastard by the shirt. Her gun flailed in her other hand as she attempted to bring it to bear on his head.

The van lurched and Amanda struggled to hold on. She could feel her feet dragging against the ground as Duvall squealed away from the curb.

"Amanda!" She heard Olivia scream from behind her. The terror was quite clear in her tone and Amanda even relished it. She'd take any sign of Olivia still caring about her even if she could be injured in the process.

Duvall shoved her with his arm as the van swerved down the road. Her head was blocking his view and the darkness of the night only made things worse.

"Stop!" Amanda demanded once more, wildly swinging the gun at his head. She missed and he slammed his elbow into her chest. Her body clenched with shock as she fell back towards the moving ground. Her fingers slipped from their hold and she braced herself. She hit the ground hard, landing on the gravel on the opposite side of the road where they'd ended up. She felt the hard bits of rock and gravel scrape her arm and leg through her clothing and her head bounced back against the ground. Her nerves endings screamed right before her head began to swim.

The sound of the squad car's siren screeched across her ears and she felt the car pass her a second later. She tried to lift her head, and found her vision blurry. Through hazy eyes, she saw Olivia speed past Duvall's van and swerve sharply in front of him, cutting him off.

Amanda pushed up from the ground, searching for her gun. Her skull was throbbing dully and she lifted a hand to touch the back of her head. She could feel a wet patch of blood beginning to seep through her hair. She gazed down at her arm, which twirled in front of her, scratched and torn from the gravel.

"Shit…." She mumbled, as her vision began to darken.

She blinked hard and attempted to stand, her legs wobbling underneath her. Her world tilted sharply and she tumbled back to the ground, falling on her hands and knees on the blacktop road. Her stomach turned over with nausea and she sank to the ground. Her heavy lids sank closed several times as her battered body collapsed on her uninjured side. Her entire being ached but her head felt as if it were under water.

She could vaguely make out Olivia and Duvall several yards ahead of her as she pulled him out of the van. Olivia's voice fell on her ears in a hollow, far away sound and her eyes felt shut again.

She'd tried to be the hero and here she was again, recklessly endangering herself with Olivia as her witness.

Her consciousness was drifting away when Olivia's footsteps rang against the road towards her. She felt Olivia's presence drop down close to her and she held onto the last remnants of reality as Olivia touched her cheek with warm and desperate fingers. The last thing she heard was the other woman calling her name...then there was nothing.

Blue and red flashing lights, dull pain, and far away voices lulled Amanda from her daze. She groaned softly when she felt the aftermath of her heroic dive into the blacktop sear her. A sharp headache blazed across the back of her head and her mouth felt cottony and dry.

"Amanda, good god…" Jensen's voice pulled her eyes open and she gazed up, finding herself inside the back of an ambulance. Jensen was climbing in, his face etched with worry.

"I'm fine…" Amanda began, her voice raspy.

"Like hell." Jensen returned, sitting down beside the stretcher she was laid out on. "You tried to jump into a moving vehicle!"

"I didn't _try_. I did it." Amanda cast him a sideways glance. "And we might not have caught him if I hadn't."

"Benson told me everything." He sat back, folding his arms, his dark gaze disapproving.

"I'm sure she did." Amanda muttered spitefully, although her mind was already drifting back to her last moments of consciousness. She clung to the fear and concern that had laced Olivia's tone and the way she had rushed to her side. Was she so desperate for Olivia's affection that she was resorting to these pathetic stunts? She wasn't bringing a knife to her wrists or drinking herself into a stupor, but she wasn't blind enough to think that jumping into a moving car, driven by a serial killer, was nothing short of reckless; but she'd gotten the reaction she wanted, hadn't she?

"What's going on here, Amanda?" Jensen pressed, his tone softening.

"I'm trying to catch serial child rapist and killer." Amanda replied, evenly. "By all means necessary."

"Even if that means getting your head bashed in?" Jensen demanded, although his voice barely rose. "I know you're a big girl, Amanda, but this is…." He gestured with spread hands.

"Stupid?" Amanda asked. "Thanks, partner. And you're welcome for catching the bastard for you." She turned her head away from him, and stared at the wall.

Jensen was silent for a moment before he said, "We're taking you to the hospital and you're not going to argue."

Amanda stared resolutely as the ambulance doors, gritting her teeth against pain, and for the second time this evening, humiliation. Maybe she'd gotten what she wanted from Olivia but being treated like a child by her partner wasn't something she'd been betting on.

She heard the ambulance doors close and a second later, she was alone. She glanced over at where Jensen had been sitting as the ambulance pulled away and bit back tears. She and Jensen rarely butted heads and perhaps she was just emotional from the head injury and the stressful night, but his silent departure hurt more than she wanted it to.

"Fuck you too." She whispered under her breath. She pushed the venom into her tone to ease the burn of his disappointment.

She laid her head back and closed her eyes against hot tears. She wished for Olivia to be in the bus with her, sitting by her side, their fingers laced… but perhaps Olivia too was finally fed up with Amanda's bullshit. There had been a time when Olivia would never have left an injured detective alone, but now Amanda had used up all of her mercies. The well of Olivia's patience had run dry long ago when it came to Amanda and maybe it would never fill again. Her satisfaction in eliciting an emotional response from Olivia was so short lived that Amanda wondered if it had even been worth it. For all of her efforts, all she had obtained was a bruised body and an aching heart.

Several hours had passed by the time Amanda was resting comfortably at Mercy Hospital. The pain medication they'd given her dulled her aches and bruises and caused her brain to be drowsy but she couldn't shut off her thoughts.

It was early morning when Amanda heard a knock at her door. She opened her eyes to see Olivia standing in the doorway. She was still wearing the same clothes and Amanda knew she hadn't gone home or slept either.

"Hey," Amanda said, pushing back the hopefulness that wanted to bleed into her tone.

"Hi." Olivia said with a short smile, stepping into the room. "How do you feel?"

"Terrible." Amanda laughed mirthlessly. Her throat felt choked when Olivia advanced towards her until she was right next to the bed.

"Concussion?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," Amanda said with a sigh, "but that's about it besides scrapes and bruises."

"You're lucky." Olivia said, "I expected broken bones."

"Me too." Amanda replied, her tone falling to a whisper. As it appeared, no amount of time had changed the impact of Olivia's disappointment on her body. The queasy response of her stomach disquieted her.

They were silent for a moment before Amanda shifted in the bed and asked, "So….what'd you get on this Duvall guy?"

"Well, for starters, he's not Mark Duvall." Olivia said, easing onto the bed next to her. " He's Ronald Duvall."

Amanda frowned. "What's the connection?"

"Brothers." Olivia said. "Mark is clean. Ronald...not so much."

"What's his record look like?" Amanda asked, attempting to sit up in the bed. Her head ached and she sank back with a sigh.

"Relax," Olivia patted her arm, "He's in custody. We can hold him for driving without a license and for fleeing."

"Fine. What's his record?" Amanda asked.

"DV." Olivia responded. "His wife finally left him two years ago…" Her voice hung with premonition and Amanda knew there was more.

"What is it?" She asked.

"He has a daughter." Olivia said, her brow tightening. "She's seven years old."

"Oh, god…" Amanda whispered, closing her eyes. "Has he ever…?"

"There's no record of abuse." Olivia said, softly. "The wife says that she hasn't seen him since the day she kicked him out."

Amanda sighed out, "The daughter….she's blonde, isn't she?"

"Yes." Olivia said, her fingers squeezing Amanda's arm for a second. A pause of silence passed before she said, "We're going to nail him, Amanda."

"I know." Amanda murmured. "I want to be there when we question him."

"That's going to be too soon for you to leave the hospital." Olivia opposed immediately as Amanda knew she would.

Opening her eyes, Amanda said, "It should've been my collar."

"Let's not start splitting hairs." Olivia said, her hand dragging away from Amanda's arm. "We're all working hard on this."

"Yeah, you made sure of that." Amanda scoffed. She knew she was lashing out because she was in pain and underslept, but she just couldn't stop thinking about their conversation in the car. Even through all this turmoil, she hasn't forgotten the way Olivia had looked at her and the things she'd said.

"Do you not want to be here?" Olivia asked, her head tilting with a frown.

Amanda stared down at her hands and picked at one nail. "Maybe not for the right reasons." She whispered.

Olivia's silence scratched across her ears like an admonition, but she'd spent far too much time being untruthful to herself and to Olivia.

"What you said in the car…." Amanda said, finally, despite the fear of rejection that hung ever in her heart.

"You needed to expel your feelings…" Olivia said, quietly. "And I needed to hear what I'd done to you."

Amanda swallowed hard, "Is that all?"

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, her voice a hair's breadth away from apprehension. Amanda could see her figure stiffen out of the corner of her eye.

"Oh, please…Don't act naive." She scoffed through the beginnings of tears as she turned a glittering, blue gaze on Olivia. "All that was just what?...A therapy session?"

"We can't go back." Olivia stood from the bed, motioning sharply away from herself with quivering hands.

"Don't tell me you don't think about it." Amanda shook her head, despite the way it made her world tilt. Her fractured heart couldn't take much more of Olivia's emotional let downs. She needed a real closure, not this bullshit idea that talking it out would somehow magically fix everything.

Olivia stood with her back to Amanda, her shoulders taut.

"I do think about it." Olivia whispered, her tone strained. "I think about it often."

"Then you tell me what you want." Amanda said, throwing back the sheets from her legs. Her knees shook as she attempted to get up from the bed. "Expel _your_ feelings." She hissed, squeezing the edge of the bed as her feet touched the cold floor.

Olivia turned, her eyes widening. She rushed back towards her, grabbing her arms to keep her from standing, "Don't…" She whispered, her command coming across two fold.

"I have to know…" Amanda whispered, leaning in closer to her, her head titled back to gaze up at Olivia's conflicted expression. "Don't you ever think of me at night… When you're sleeping alone?"

Olivia's jaw tightened, her eyes squinting in pained tears. "Of course." She returned, her tone trembling.

Amanda grasped at Olivia's waist, pulling their bodies together. The warmth of their chests melded into a heat that Amanda never wanted to put out. She squeezed harder, pressing her forehead to Olivia's shoulder. She breathed in her scent, a smell that held so much nostalgia, but even in this soft embrace, she couldn't forgive her. Rather, it forced the sickness of resentment up from within her belly, until she couldn't swallow it back anymore.

"I hate you so much." She cried, a rush of tears springing quickly to her eyes to chase the bitter words from her mouth.

"I know." Olivia's voice was a bare whisper. Her hands lay weakly on Amanda's arms, her body tense in her hold.

"God…" Amanda breathed through tears, "I could hurt you _so_ much for how you've hurt me."

This time, Olivia didn't answer, but Amanda could feel her sag, as if the weight of Amanda's words physically pushed her down. It was nothing she hasn't said in the car but in this moment, their words seemed real, rather than just a dream. Olivia was in her arms, close enough for her to squeeze...to hold down...to punish…

Amanda groaned, her fingers scraping down Olivia's body to her backside. She felt Olivia gasp softly when she viciously gripped her flesh, pulling her close.

"I just want to hurt you one time like you hurt me." Amanda sobbed, rocking against Olivia's chest, her fingers quaking with the force of her grip. Her body shook, bursting at the seams to release some sort of physical violence as she had imagined for so long.

She had her here, unresisting, but she couldn't overcome the height of her anger and heartbreak. She couldn't push through it to complete her desires fully. All she could manage was this pathetic outcry of pain. It was a pale comparison to what she really wanted.

Olivia remained rigidly in her grasp, one hand slipping up to rest on the back of Amanda's aching skull.

"I know." She repeated, her voice encrusted with pain. Her fingers tightened slowly around strands of Amanda's hair and Amanda could feel her chest shuddering beneath her head.

It would be so easy to slam her down in this moment, take advantage of Olivia's weakness...batter her to the point of Amanda's own pain….and yet…

She lifted her tear stained face to Olivia's staunch expression of regret. Their eyes locked, exchanging emotions that ran high beneath the surface, things they wanted to say, yet couldn't quite speak. Shame and anger; agony and self-hatred. For all they'd done to each other, only they would truly understand each other in this moment.

The kiss came quickly, as if their instincts had been waiting for this moment since they'd seen each other again. This time, there was nothing sweet nor lustful about the joining of their mouths. It was an expression of all they wanted to do to each other, and that manifestation was quick and harsh, a fight for dominance that Amanda had never felt she might have a chance at until now.

Even as their lips met, clashing with teeth and tongue, Amanda couldn't not satisfy her desires. This didn't even begin to sate the surface of her fantasies. It couldn't. No matter how she bit Olivia's lip or pushed her tongue to the back of her throat, no matter how hard she fondled the swells of her body, this could not fill the cavern of deep, dark cravings.

Amanda's groan turned to a growl and finally she pushed away, shoving Olivia's hips away from her. Their lips disconnected, leaving her empty and aching harder than before. Olivia stumbled back, catching herself on a chair behind her. Her expression was marked with shock and anguish and Amanda couldn't bear to face it.

"Get away!" She sobbed, her voice breaking. She covered her face with her hands, her cries breaking from her chest more violently than before. Her entire body ached with her tears as she hunched over against the bed.

This wasn't what she wanted. It couldn't be…

For long moments, the room was filled with the sound of her agony before Amanda finally eased back to the bed. She turned away from Olivia, hugging the pillow tight to her head. Her sobs slowed at last until they were but sniffles and whimpers.

Olivia didn't move for a long moment. At last, Amanda felt her move close. Her hand skimmed Amanda's back and she expected some words of apology once more but her presence drifted away without the solace of commiseration. There was nothing now to salve her open wounds - not the satisfaction of hurting Olivia, nor the assurance that she always held her afterward.

The heavy hospital door fell shut, echoing solemnly across the now silent landscape of Amanda's anguish.

Once again, she was alone.


	5. Chapter 5

The morning sun broke bright through clouds as Amanda stepped outside the hospital doors. Her hands were tucked deep in the pockets of her jacket, her head bent.

She was still running on adrenaline and pain meds. Sleep had yet to catch up with her despite the fact that the only rest she'd had had been in the car several hours ago. She'd only drifted off for a couple of minutes in the hospital, and that fitful sleep hardly counted.

Amanda caught a taxi and slid into the back seat. She mumbled the address for the 1-6 to the driver and sank back against the grimy, distressed seat.

She'd only spent a couple more hours in the hospital bed, curled up beneath the sheets. She'd grown tired of the pity party quickly. It wasn't within her to lie down in a pool of her own tears and give up. If anything was going to get her through this, it was going to be her job. It had always worked before, proving tried and true every time.

Amanda resisted the urge to smoke, not wanting to smell like an ashtray upon returning to work. She didn't want them thinking she was falling apart.

A certain apprehension turned her stomach upon her arrival at the SVU precinct, however, and she already knew it was because Olivia was inside. She didn't know how to face the other woman after all that had been said and done. She wasn't even sure what she was thinking at this point. It all felt muddled and mangled in her brain.

Amanda paid the taxi driver and stepped out of the car. It was already getting warm but the early morning breeze offered some relief. She stood on the sidewalk for a moment, letting it whip around her, as if the carefree breeze could carry away her pain and sorrow. She pressed her eyes closed, and called upon her inner strength, bringing to bear her passion to right the wrongs of this terrible world. There were half a dozen dead children waiting to be avenged and she had the power to bring the man responsible to justice - if only she could put aside her own selfish worries.

Opening her eyes, Amanda slanted a narrowed gaze up towards the face of the 16th precinct. She took her hands from her pockets, and squeezed them into fists as she marched up the steps.

She was still in pain from the fall but she pushed through. She couldn't let Olivia be right. She needed to be here to prove she still had what it took to put aside their involvement and do her job. If she stayed laid up in that hospital, Olivia would win. She'd simply be justifying the weakness she'd shown the lieutenant.

It'd been a damn long time since she'd set foot inside these walls and a sense of nostalgia, mixed with foreboding, filled her mind. She'd ridden up this elevator and strode into the squad room a hundred times. The path to her old desk was as well worn as any she'd ever known, and half of her wished it wasn't so. She'd come to New York to escape, but little had she known she was simply going to fall into more abusive and harrowing patterns.

She was glad the elevator was mostly empty with only the whirring of the gears to accompany her. The memories of this particular space inundated her, reminding her that it was here that Olivia had first touched her with the purpose of pleasure rather than pain. It was here that she had first fallen victim into the inescapable web of Olivia's intoxicating wiles. If only she'd allowed Olivia to end it all, she knew she wouldn't be here in this situation, and yet when she looked back, she didn't see how this could've ended any differently. Neither of them had been willing to concede and Amanda would most likely do the same things all over again if she had the chance.

Stepping out of the elevator, Amanda took a deep breath. Her heart still ached from their encounter last night, but a part of her shivered at the thought of seeing Olivia inside this precinct again. It took her back to a time when she'd been willing to fight, to scratch and claw, for what she wanted.

She was barely inside the squad room when she was assaulted by the wide grin and lilted exclamation of Sonny Carisi.

"Amanda!" He was up from his desk and by her side in half a second and something about that made her smile despite her inward sadness and anger.

"How are you?" He engulfed her in a hug, overwhelming her with the scent of his high end cologne.

"Good, I'm good." She lied, leaning into his embrace. It felt good to receive an affection that was well meaning and sincere.

"I've missed you." He pulled back with a smile, "We all have."

"Some more than others." She chuckled, unable to suppress the self degradation.

"Don't underestimate yourself." He nudged her arm. "It's been a bitch without you."

"You mean _Liv's_ been a bitch." She dropped her voice to a whisper with a conspiring smirk. It gave her a deep satisfaction that Olivia had been so unhappy without her, so much so that others took notice.

"I wouldn't repeat that." Sonny laughed, jabbing a thumb towards Olivia's office.

"She's here?" Amanda asked, taking a breath to hide the fact that her heart skipped.

"She went home for a couple hours then showed back up." Carisi shrugged. "I heard you were in the hospital. Are you okay?"

"Just a concussion." Amanda said.

"Maybe you should be the one going home and resting." He suggested.

"Come on, Carisi," She side eyed him, "You know me better than that."

Before he could answer, the door to Olivia's office opened and Amanda squared her shoulders as the lieutenant emerged. She was wearing a black sweater that hugged her figure and black slacks and somehow the ensemble only served to push a flush to Amanda's cheeks. Her heart stuttered over itself and she clenched her hands at her side. Her brain immediately recalled the way Olivia's body had felt against her, beneath her roaming hands just hours ago...

"Amanda." She said, surprise registering on her features.

"You didn't think I was gonna stay in the hospital did you?" Amanda asked.

"You shouldn't be here so soon." Olivia returned, brazenly.

Amanda felt Carisi staring at her and she glanced over at his expression. He looked like he was about to break out the popcorn and pull up a chair. She wanted to punch him.

"We've got a suspect. Let's question him." Amanda said, crossing the room towards the interrogation room. She passed Olivia, lowering her voice to say, "No need to split hairs, right?"

Their shoulders brushed as she breezed past Olivia. She caught the look of irritation crossing the lieutenant's features before her back was turned and she allowed herself a small smile.

She heard Olivia follow her as she reached the window to interrogation. Ronald Duvall was inside, hunched over the metal table. There was a lost look in his gaze as his eyes flitted about the room. He looked even more disheveled and dirty under the harsh, white light of the box.

Olivia came to stand beside her and they both looked in at him.

"I could call your captain." She said, quietly. "I already informed him of your injury."

Amanda scoffed, "Don't threaten me."

She turned away and grabbed the door to the interrogation room, yanking it open, forcefully. She glanced back at Olivia with a dark gaze.

"It doesn't scare me anymore."

She slammed the door on Olivia's dour expression and turned her attention towards Duvall.

"Hey, Ronnie, remember me?" She smiled, pulling out the chair opposite to him with a loud screech. He watched her distrustfully as she sat down across from him and folded her arms in front of her.

"Yeah…" He said slowly. "I already told you and that other crazy bitch why I was down there."

"That crazy bitch is the lieutenant of this precinct so I suggest you continue with a little more respect." She advised, leaning in with a narrowed gaze.

He sat back away from her slowly and she could sense the fear in his posture and eyes. He was playing the tough guy right now but underneath this rough facade there was a coward who knew exactly what he'd done.

"Now, we have you driving unlicensed, fleeing the police, and we could slap you with assaulting a police officer after that little stunt."

"You jumped into my car!" Ronald burst out, throwing his hands out desperately. This wasn't his first time at the rodeo. He knew what assault meant to his freedom.

"Here's the thing, Ronnie," Amanda smiled, "I couldn't give two shits about my concussion because I know we're gonna get you on a lot more."

"What do you mean?" He asked, his voice paper thin.

"You know…" Amanda leaned forward on her elbows. "The little girls…"

His Adam's apple bobbed distinctly in his throat and she could see the sweat beginning to line his forehead.

"What little girls?" He whispered.

"The ones in that ditch." Amanda continued, evenly, "Come on…. We all know that story about the camera is a lie. You didn't come here with your family. Your wife left you two years ago because you beat her to a bloody pulp every weekend!"

He breathed heavily, his cheeks flushing, but she wasn't afraid. This man was a coward who felt better about himself after beating up a woman or murdering a little girl.

"We dug them all up, Ronnie. Our ME is performing the autopsies right now and she's _very_ good. I promise you she'll find whatever you left on them."

"No, no…" He rocked back him the chair, shaking his head. "I didn't leave nothing."

"We already know you did it." Amanda shook her head. "How you got away with it all that time, I'll never know, but you're done now." She slammed a hand down on the table and the loud sound caused Ronald to jump in his chair. He looked almost ready to cry and Amanda pushed harder. "Do you hear me? You're _done_!"

"No!" Ronald cried, jumping up from the chair. He ran his hands through his hair, pacing away from her in an agitated stride.

The sound of his panting was interrupted when the interrogation room door opened. Amanda turned to see Olivia entering, a case file in hand. Amanda straightened in the chair, annoyed. She could already tell by the look on Olivia's face that she was jumping in to play good cop.

Ronald glanced back at them, his wide eyes bouncing between the two of them.

"What do _you_ want?" He asked at last.

"Just to talk." Olivia held out her hands in an innocent gesture.

"About what? I didn't kill nobody!" He insisted.

"Why don't you come sit down." Olivia motioned to the chair he had vacated. "Detective Rollins here just wants to catch the bad guy. I want to hear your side of the story."

Ronald glanced back Amanda who shifted back in her chair with folded arms. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes behind Olivia's back and rather glared at Ronald. If Olivia really wanted her to be the bad cop, she could definitely fulfill that role.

Ronald finally returned to the chair, but his leg bounced nervously.

"Now," Olivia said easing onto the edge of the table next to him. Her long, dark hair cascaded down over her shoulder, hiding her profile from Amanda's view. She looked nonetheless enticing and Amanda studied the curves of her body while she was otherwise engaged.

"Let's start from the beginning." She said to Ronald. "Why were you there?"

Ronald shook his head and lowered his face to his hands. "I...I can't say."

Olivia nodded slowly. "We impounded the van, Ronald. Our lab is going to go over it with a fine tooth comb….If they find anything…. Your life is over. Now is the time to talk to me. I can help you."

He shook his head, rocking slowly. "Don't I get a phone call?"

Olivia glanced over at Amanda and Amanda leveled her with a glare. She was certain that if she had pushed hard enough Ronald would've broken under the pressure. She hasn't needed Olivia in here to help her get the confession. Now two minutes into Olivia's interview Ronald was close to lawyering up.

Amanda leaned forward and snatched the case file from the table next to the Olivia's hand. She flipped it open to images of the dead children, splayed out on the dirt and rock. She smacked the picture of the newest victim down in front of Ronald.

"Look at her." She hissed, stabbing her finger at the picture. "This little girl could be your own daughter. Is this what you want for your precious child?"

Ronald's watery gaze darted across the picture for a moment before he began to cry harder.

"You're _sick._ " Amanda spat. "You're supposed to love your daughter, take care of her. Instead, you dream of using her up and throwing her away."

"No, god.." Ronald sucked in heavy breaths, rocking back and forth in the chair.

"You're supposed to love her unconditionally, but you could only love her when she's a child!" Amanda rose from the chair, towering over his prone figure.

"Amanda…" Olivia's tone was soft, but warning, but Amanda ignored her. She could control and channel her anger towards something good, and if it meant breaking this sorry excuse for a human being beneath the force of her wrath, then so be it.

She leaned down closer to him, so that their foreheads were inches apart. Her voice was low, hovering on the verge of a quiver, "When you love someone, you don't just love them when they fit your desires or your needs. You love them forever."

Silence hung over the room for a long moment.

Amanda panted softly, her self awareness suddenly rising to a level of discomfort. She could feel Olivia's eyes upon her and the height of her anger began to crash into a deep pit of vulnerability. She turned away from the table quickly, kicking back the chair with a loud squeak, and strode towards the door. She'd been so intent on wrangling a confession from Duvall and now all she could feel was a humiliation that churned deep inside her, welling up slowly to take over her body. She needed to escape this room.

She slammed through the door and shoved it shut behind her, finding herself in the dark hallway. She leaned against the wall and braced her hands on her knees, panting heavily. Tears burned behind her lids and she squeezed her eyes shut hard.

Was this really to be her fate as a detective - to spend the rest of her career seeing and inserting Olivia into everything… consumed to the end by this ill fated relationship? She had thought she could do this. She had thought she could push through everything that had happened and find it within herself to use the force of her emotions for the good of the world. Perhaps that was foolish and naive. Her personal troubles had only ever worked against her when it came to the NYPD. To think that this was any different had been a mistake.

Several long minutes passed before the door to the interrogation room opened. Olivia stood in the doorway for a moment, shrouded in the sharp light of the bare light bulbs behind her. Amanda glanced over at her and hated how beautiful she appeared, like the mother of all avenging angels. Here in the cold, dark, lonely space she prayed that Olivia would finally vanquish her.

She bowed her head as Olivia closed the door behind her, plunging them into a dim, quiet atmosphere. She moved in close, standing right in front of her.

"Don't ask." Amanda murmured.

"I have to." Olivia's tone was soft, almost apologetic. "I can work this case with you, but... I don't know if you can."

Amanda bit at her lower lip as tears rose hot to her lids, threatening to break free. A thousand feelings pierced her like tiny knives breaking her skin, but all she could focus on was shame. So much fucking shame. She wasn't even worthy of the badge she carried.

"He asked for a lawyer, didn't he?" She choked out.

Olivia didn't answer for a moment and Amanda already knew the answer before she murmured, "Yes."

"Fuck…" Amanda breathed.

A tear slipped from her eye, plunging down her cheek. She lifted a hand to wipe it away and straightened from her hunched position. She could hardly meet Olivia's gaze, although it wasn't as condemning as she had imagined.

"You can kick me off the case now." She said at last.

"I'm only going to do that if that's what _you_ really want." Olivia returned.

"Why?" Amanda asked, shaking her head. "I just canned that entire interrogation."

"We'll get him another way." Olivia said, "We have plenty to look into."

"What is this?" Amanda asked, spreading her hands, "Why do you want me here?"

Olivia seemed taken aback by the question, and she struggled for words for a moment. At last, she lifted a hand to run long fingers through her hair, pushing back auburn waves from her strained expression.

"I… never wanted you to leave."

The admission hung between them, heavy and intimidating.

Amanda swallowed hard, her heart racing shallowly in her chest. She couldn't quite grasp the meaning of Olivia's words at first. Her brain turned it over again and again, examining it from every angle to find some fallacy therein.

"B-but…" She choked out at last, her voice frail.

"I never expected you to leave on your own." Olivia continued, her tone fraught with raw regret.

"But you said if I wanted to be with you that you would transfer me." Amanda's voice rose.

Her mind spun wildly, tracking back across the last six months to their final encounter in Olivia's office. She couldn't possibly have had a choice in that moment. There had been nothing left to do but leave. Olivia couldn't tell her now that she hadn't meant any of it… that there had been a chance…

"I thought you would find a way to be content with what we'd had before." Olivia's voice was just above a whisper, marked by miniscule fractures of quivering emotion.

"No…." Amanda shook her head and pushed away from the wall past Olivia.

Beyond them, the squad room bustled, but it was like looking out a window into another world, though the space between was so fragile.

"You couldn't have expected that." Amanda tossed her head back and forth, stray tears streaking her flushed cheeks.

"I shouldn't have." Olivia echoed.

"Just when I think I can't hate you anymore than I already do…" Amanda muttered through gritted teeth, more to herself than to Olivia but she knew that the other woman could hear her. Olivia didn't respond and Amanda couldn't find the strength to face her again for several moments. When she did, she found Olivia staring stiffly at the ground, her hands laced tight in front of her.

"You kissed me last night." Amanda said, staunchly, "You know what I'm going to do if we're alone again."

Olivia's nostrils flared, her jaw tightening. Her fingers twisted around each other, and the nervous movement impacted the sharp desire inside of Amanda more than she wanted it to. The power in her own voice had surprised her, and it was shockingly pleasing to see the reactions Amanda had had so many times finally fall on Olivia's shoulders. A dark desire thrummed low in her belly as if the answers she had been searching for had finally fallen into place. She finally had what she had wanted for so long - Olivia's admonition that she too had never truly wanted to let go.

Amanda paced back to Olivia until their bodies were nearly touching. "It's your turn to take the punishment this time." She said, her voice emitting dark through clenched teeth, "I've suffered enough."

She turned away, striding back towards the squad room. Every particle of her quaked and her heart plunged ahead at a panicked rate, but her stomach swirled with a sick satisfaction that she knew was only a sliver away from dangerous, and yet she had never felt so justified. Olivia's face and body language had been an open book of desire, and finally, submission. All that was left for her to do was fall to her knees.


	6. Chapter 6

Melinda Warner's office inside the city morgue was unsettlingly cheerful, just as Amanda remembered it. Pictures of her daughter and her husband adorned her desk and diplomas of achievement along with honorary framed medals from the Air Force hung proudly on the wall.

It was one thing to want to solve crimes and convict the guilty but Amanda had never understood how a person could willingly immerse themselves in the senseless deaths of so many innocent people.

She gazed out the window of the office door into the autopsy room. The body of Maggie Wilcox was laid out on the table, incisions making a Y across her chest and around her hairline. She'd been bathed, her hair brushed back. The blood was gone from her flesh and her small hands were finally at rest at her sides.

Olivia's and Melinda's voices hummed in the background noise of her brain but Amanda could hardly concentrate on them. She kept her eyes on the little girl's body.

 _You've let her down… Now you've got to fix it_. Her guilty conscience whispered to her.

"Let's go in, shall we?" Melinda's voice interrupted her inner monologue and Amanda glanced over, realizing she was blocking the door.

"Yeah." She muttered, turning the door knob. The cold air of the autopsy room enveloped her, chasing chills up her arms, as they came to stand over the body.

They shared a moment of silence before Melinda said, "The cause of death was exsanguination. She was alive for most of it. She most likely bled out from this wound." Melinda pointed a gloved finger to a deep cut just above her collarbone to the side of her neck.

Amanda swallowed hard and sucked in a breath through her nose. She tried hard to keep her face unreadable but noticed Olivia glancing over at her.

"She was repeatedly sexually assaulted." Melinda continued. "I found evidence of spermicide."

"So the bastard used a condom." Amanda stated, bitterly, her jaw clenching.

Behind the gurney, Olivia's fingers brushed hers, holding on for half a second. She curled her hand into a fist against the supportive gesture, refusing to allow Olivia's tenderness to sway her. She needed to be angry at what this man had done. She needed the fire in her veins. She needed it like she needed to breathe in this moment. Nothing else was going to get her through the next few days. She couldn't, in the process of being moved by the girl's suffering, find herself vulnerable to Olivia's sincerity. What came next between her and Olivia would be far from soft and loving.

"She had ligature marks on her wrists and ankles. From the looks of it, he used a zip tie." Melinda said.

Amanda gazed down at the little girl's wrist, lifting a hand to graze her fingers over the bruised, greying flesh. "She didn't have a chance." Amanda murmured.

She felt Olivia touch her back, her palm skimming over the curve of her spine for a moment. Amanda gritted her teeth, casting her a scathing side eye. She wanted to shove Olivia's hand away but she remained stiff.

"There's something else." Melinda said.

"What else could there possibly be?" Amanda muttered, turning away from the gurney. She stared out the large, panel windows where Maggie's parents had no doubt gazed through hours before when they identified their child's remains.

"What it it?" Olivia asked, softly.

"He washed her mouth with bleach." Melinda said.

"Why?" Olivia asked.

"You tell me." Melinda said. "She threw up afterwards, shortly before she died."

"The bastard was washing away evidence." Amanda said, her tone steely. "He put his DNA on her and was smart enough to get rid of it."

She grabbed the window will, her fingers clenching tight.

"So you didn't find anything to link our suspect to her?" Olivia asked.

Melinda sighed, "I can tell you when and how this little girl died… But I can't tell you who did it."

The ride back to the precinct was silent. Amanda stared out the window, watching the city pass outside the window.

As far as she was concerned, the trip to the ME's had been a waste of time. There was nothing that Maggie Wilcox's body could tell them and the rest of the bodies were too decomposed or deteriorated by the weather to be of any help. All they had was seven dead little girls and a sick bastard who was about to head to arraignment for fleeing the police. He'd pay for fine for driving unlicensed and be slapped with probation. It was a far cry from what Amanda wanted to do to him.

"We've got other leads." Olivia said, attempting optimism as they pulled up at the precinct. "We've got the van."

"His brother's." Amanda said. "Who knows if he even used it to abduct the girls."

She shoved the car door open and stepped out before Olivia could say another word. She began to stride towards the building alone, her eyes watching the ground pass under her feet.

"Amanda." Olivia followed her, catching up quickly with long strides. She grasped Amanda's elbow, tugging her to a stop.

"I wish you'd stop touching me." Amanda pulled away as she turned a glare on the lieutenant. "I'm not some fragile, breakable thing that you need to hold together."

A frown marred Olivia's brow as she released her arm, "I thought you wanted me to care."

Amanda huffed and looked away from her discerning gaze, "I don't know what I want after this morning." She admitted at last.

Olivia didn't reply at first. When she did, her tone was strained, "Don't lie to me, Amanda. I still know you, and I know that you always care more than you let on."

"Do you think all your trips to the shrink turned you into a therapist?" Amanda snapped. She knew it was a low blow but she couldn't stop the hateful words from spilling off her tongue.

Olivia hardly flinched, "You're angry." She said, "And you have every right to be."

"Damn right." Amanda returned quickly. She gazed across the parking lot and then down towards the concrete. Their shadows stretched across the ground, molding together in the eyes of the sun. She shook her head at the innocent shadows and stepped away. She shoved her hands in her pockets and marched off towards the precinct.

Olivia followed, trailing several yards behind her until they reached the elevator. Amanda grudgingly held the door for her and they ascended together in uncomfortable silence.

When the doors opened, Amanda saw Jensen and Fin at Fin's desk where the older detective was on the phone.

"All right, thanks." Fin said, hanging up the phone abruptly.

"Not good?" Jensen asked.

"What's going on?" Amanda asked, striding over to them. Her gaze latched onto Jensen's for half a second and he looked away quickly, a frown tugging at his brow. Amanda ignored the pang of guilt in her stomach for the way she had treated him the last time they'd spoken.

"That was the lab." Fin said, sitting back and folding his arms. "They got jack on the van."

"Great." Amanda sighed.

"It's the brother's." Olivia said, "There was always a chance we'd find nothing."

"So far that's all we have." Amanda pointed out. "This guy is smarter than we thought."

"Guilt will make you go to all kinds of lengths." Jensen inserted, tossing a black gaze towards Olivia and Amanda. The insinuation of his words wasn't lost on her nor on Olivia. She could feel Olivia drilling holes in the back of her head with her eyes. She grimaced at the thought of Olivia tearing into her for disclosing their relationship to someone.

Fin squinted at the three of them but didn't comment. Instead, he cleared his throat and said, "If anything we've got him for fleeing the police. You should talk to Barba about adding assault."

"I think I will." Olivia turned sharply and left the room. Her office door slammed shut behind her, the blinds rattling loudly against the glass.

"Thanks, Jensen." Amanda snapped, leveling a glare at him.

"Am I missing something here?" Fin asked, leaning forward on the desk.

"No." Amanda and Jensen responded in unison. Amanda slated another narrowed gaze at him.

"Right." Fin said, standing from the desk. "I'm going to get some coffee."

Jensen and Amanda watched him go, simmering in tense silence until they were alone.

"What is your problem?" Amanda asked finally.

Jensen sighed and licked his lips. "We were always chill, Amanda, and now all of the sudden, we're here and you're acting different."

"I'm a little stressed." Amanda hissed, her tone dripping cynicism.

"This whole thing with Lieutenant Benson…" Jensen threw his hand in the direction of Olivia's office, "It needs to stop."

"I don't remember you being in charge of what I do with my personal life." Amanda rebutted, her face growing hot with anger and embarrassment.

"I'm trying to look out for you." He replied, stepping in closer. "You're not happy here."

"And you think I was happy before?" Amanda snapped. "You don't know me, Jensen. You've known me for _six months_. Don't presume to tell me about myself!"

Jensen turned away, shaking his head. He ran tanned fingers through his thick, dark hair before his hand slapped back down against his leg in a defeated manner. "I'm going back to Homicide." He said at last.

His words stopped her cold. A half a second passed but it seemed like much longer with the way her brain was reeling.

"Wait…" Amanda stepped towards him, blinking in shock, "Why?"

"Come on, Amanda." He said, glancing over at her, "You nor the lieutenant ever wanted me here. You don't need me here. She asked us to stay because of you...And there's cases at home that need my help."

"So…. what?" Amanda threw her hands out. "You're just going to walk away from seven dead kids?"

"I already called the captain." Jensen's voice was low, almost apologetic.

"I'm your partner." Amanda protested. "You're just gonna leave me here by myself?"

He laughed, "You can handle yourself. Besides, what kind of partner can I be when you're always glued to Benson's side?

Amanda made a sound of disbelief and turned towards her desk. She sat down heavily and rested her forehead in her hands. "I can't believe you're pulling this petty bullshit."

"It's the truth." Jensen wagered, crossing from Fin's desk to hers. "I'm not hanging around for this sophomoric drama. This is my job and I take it seriously." He stabbed a finger down on the desk, and she turned her gaze up towards him.

"You think I don't take my job seriously?" She demanded, anger rushing through her bloodstream instantly. "You don't even know what I've _done_ , what's been done to _me_ so that I can be here!"

Her words rang through the half empty squad room but she felt encapsulated in this moment with him, locked inside a cage of both fear and rage.

"Amanda…" He said at last, his tone dropping away from its firm and irate tenor. Regret splashed across his features, drawing his thick brows taut, his dark eyes widening, and and he reached out to her.

"Get away from me." Amanda drew back with disgust. "If you want to go back to Homicide so badly… if I'm such a horrible partner… then go." She threw a hand towards the door. "Get the fuck out." Tears throbbed madly in her eyes and the sting of rejection and abandonment was already working into the well worn paths of her heart. She wished he would stop looking at her with those sad, dark eyes. She wished he would leave so that she could be alone in her tears.

"Don't do this." His voice low, just above whisper.

"It's already done." She returned, her tone gritted against the pain. "You got what you wanted. Don't stick around for my sake."

He drew away from the desk with low expulsion of wavering breath. He turned away, dragging a hand over his face, then the back of his neck. His broad shoulders were clenched in a tense posture as he trudged towards the elevator.

Amanda dropped back to her seat, breathing out heavily as she tried to fight another wave of tears. Everything was crashing down around her and she wasn't even sure how she had gotten here. She'd never dreamed that it would be Jensen walking out that, and yet somehow, her relationship with Olivia had managed to destroy this partnership as well.

Her head was cradled in her hands when she heard Fin re-enter the room.

"Amanda, are you okay?

She lifted her head to see him standing next to her, leaning against the desk. Fin could be unapproachable as hell, and downright gruff, but he was the friendliest face she had seen all day.

"I don't know…" She whispered shaking her head. She wiped at her tears, attempting to conceal her breakdown. She had trusted Fin with some of the most horrible parts of herself, but crying in front of him was humiliating because she knew he cared more than most. Underneath his rough exterior, she knew he would fight the hardest to right the wrongs in her world.

"D'Mazhio told me he was leaving." Fin said, softly.

"I'm sure he didn't tell you why." Amanda laughed, cynically.

"No," Fin said, simply. "I promised you a drink. Let's go." He canted his head towards the elevator before rounding the desk to grab his jacket from his chair.

"What about the case?" Amanda asked.

"Duvall will be here tomorrow." Fin replied. When she glanced at Olivia's office uncertainly, Fin said, "Don't worry about her either. Let's go."

Amanda shrugged at last and stood from her chair. A drink with her old partner sounded extremely inviting and with the day she'd had who was she to protest?

"You buying?" She asked with a wry smile.

"I got you, baby." He smiled and offered her his arm.

His kindness soothed the aching splinters in her heart and she smiled back, hooking her arm in his. He led her towards the elevator and she squeezed his bicep. "Hey, Fin."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." She murmured.

He nodded, but she didn't think he knew exactly how much she appreciated his taking her away from here. Maybe Fin was right. She needed a break.


	7. Chapter 7

The bar was exactly the type of place that two detectives like themselves would frequent - old, somewhat run down, but holding a character that Manhattan so often indulged.

Amanda and Fin had been sitting at the bar for well over two hours. They'd spent the time exchanging stories of their time apart in different precincts and Amanda was slowly realizing how much she had missed her old co workers.

The alcohol flowed freely on Fin's tab and he hardly cast her a judging gaze. Amanda sipped continuously at her drink, watching the bottom of the glass come into view only to have another splash of alcohol added on top. Her head was beginning to swim with intoxication, but she welcomed it. When Fin was telling her amusing stories she could laugh until her sides hurt - no matter that she might break down if Fin brought up her current situation.

Her lips and tongue were tingling as she downed the last of her drink while Fin's latest recollection came to a close. He'd been telling her about a newbie who had hardly lasted two months in the unit before Olivia requested he be transferred.

"Damn, girl, I miss you." He laughed, nudging her with an elbow.

"God, I miss you too." Amanda laughed, before staring down at her drink. "I didn't think I would but…" Her tone sobered slightly and she glanced over to see Fin squinting at her.

"Why not?" He asked. The alcohol had loosened his tongue just enough for him to pry and for some reason Amanda didn't find herself resisting. There was something about their warm camaraderie that made her want to wallow in her sorrows below his listening ear.

"Shit happened…" Amanda mumbled, squeezing her eyes shut to still the swaying of her head.

"I know." He replied, "but you never talked to me."

"I told you about my gambling addiction…. My sister… but this…" Amanda shook her head, her eyes burning with tears.

"I would never judge you, Amanda." Fin replied. "We all got our own shit to deal with."

"It wasn't just me this time." Amanda returned. "It would've changed everything."

"Nothing stays the same forever." Fin shrugged.

"Yeah but this was….different."

"Amanda…" Fin said, glancing away, "I told you once to never take someone from the job home with you and to never take your home life to your job…."

"And now I've done both…" Amanda whispered, rubbing away a tear that wanted to escape.

Fin laid a hand on Amanda's shoulder, "You don't have to tell me this."

"No…" Amanda shook her head although it caused her balance to lose grip for a moment. "I need to." She sucked in a breath, "I need to tell someone before I go crazy."

Fin didn't reply, although she took his silence to mean he was listening.

"I slept with Liv." She choked out, her face twisting in a grimace against tears.

Fin's hand stayed at her shoulder but she couldn't bear to look him in the face.

"We did things…" She whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks, "things I'd never do with anyone. Things I'd never dreamed I'd want…"

Fin's hand finally slid down her arm, parting from her body. She shuddered as his encouraging touch departed. A tear slipped from her cheek to splash into her empty glass.

"We fucked in the elevator for Christ's sake." She tried to laugh through the tears but it only came out sounding pathetic. "God, I wish I had just let it go. She wanted to stop but I couldn't." She began to cry harder, her shoulders shaking with the brunt of her emotions. "Why couldn't I just let it go?" She repeated, slamming a hand down on the bar.

"Amanda…." Fin's tone was sympathetic but perhaps that forced even more tears to her eyes. "She's a beautiful, enchanting woman…"

"But I should've known." Amanda hissed under her breath. "I should've known she'd choose her job over me. Every single time."

Fin didn't reply and she knew that he knew that she was right. Anyone who'd known Olivia for any length of time realized she was dedicated to her job and her child above all else. Anything else would be three or four rungs down the ladder, and Amanda had found herself at the very bottom.

"And now…" Amanda whispered, "all I can think about is her….I hated her so much for so long but all I want is for her to kiss me again...To hold me like before…"

Fin's hand slid across her shoulders, pulling her close. Amanda turned into his embrace, clutching the front of his shirt as another sob broke from her lips. He patted her back, wordlessly, letting her expel the emotion that had wanted to break from her heart for so long.

At last, Amanda pulled back, rubbing her hands over her cheeks. She laughed, her throat thick from the tears, "I suppose that's not what you expected."

"I've been around the block with beautiful women a couple of times." He said, understandingly.

She laughed once more and turned back towards the bar. "God, I think I need another drink."

She waved down the bartender who filled her glass once more. Fin turned his glass in and she supposed that her confession had been unsettling enough for him to worry about her. The jovial rapport they'd carried on before had given way to somber contemplation.

"I had to get out." Amanda said, taking a deep sip from her glass. "I said you can't fire me, I quit basically…"

"She threatened your job?" Fin asked.

"She said she'd transfer me so I did it myself." Amanda replied. "There wasn't much of a choice. If we stayed in the same precinct we were going to destroy each other."

Fin nodded slowly. "You saved yourself and that's most important."

"I don't feel like I saved myself." Amanda said, blinking against a rush of moisture in her eyes. "I feel like every day I'm slipping farther and farther down into this...depression...this anger…"

"Have you told her?" Fin asked.

"Yeah. More than once...She apologizes but I just...don't believe her...Or don't want to. I don't want to forgive her until she's in as much pain as I am."

"Revenge doesn't solve anything, Amanda." Fin advised, softly.

"It would sure as hell make me feel better." Amanda murmured. She raised her glass and threw back another shot.

Her body swam with alcohol, begging her to lie down and sleep it off but she ignored her body's sensibilities.

"Take me to her, Fin." She mumbled, laying her head done on her arm.

"I don't think that's a good idea." He said, patting her back. "I'm gonna call a cab and we're gonna take you home."

"No...no…" Amanda insisted, drunkenly, lifting her head slowly. "I want to see her."

"What if she doesn't want to see you?" Fin asked.

"Oh, she does." Amanda laughed, although a stray tear slipped down her cheek. "She wants me so much...She doesn't even know what to do."

Fin frowned and grabbed her arm. He wound it around his neck and pulled her upright. He threw a couple of bills down on the counter and asked the bartender to close the tab before he began to walk them towards the door. Amanda slumped against him, her feet swaying underneath her.

Fin hailed a cab and put her in first before getting in the other side.

"We should take you home." He said once more when the cabbie asked for the address.

"We're going to see Liv." Amanda said again, attempting to push herself up in the seat. "If you don't take me….I'll take myself."

Fin frowned deeply at her ultimatum. Finally, he turned to the cabbie and told him Olivia's address.

Amanda sat back and breathed out. She knew Fin would give in. He would be more concerned about her being alone in the city, drunk and unstable, than with Olivia, no matter the history between them.

Amanda gazed out the window, her brain catching on snippets of the world that passed back her, too sluggish to capture it all. She closed her eyes at last, imagining scenarios of what she'd do once she was with Olivia. She cycled through several depictions, that ranged from angry and violent to sobbing and passionate.

The movement of the cab and the hum of the tires lulled her and before she knew it, Fin was nudging her awake. She found herself slumped over in the seat, feeling slightly less drunk than before.

"We're here." Fin said, pointing out towards Olivia's apartment.

"Good." She muttered as Fin paid the cab driver and began to extricate her from the car. He held her arm as they walked up the steps to the gate.

Fin buzzed for Olivia and Amanda waited desperately for her to answer.

"Who is it?" Her voice crackled through the speaker.

"Liv, it's Fin." Fin said, glancing over at Amanda. "I've got Rollins with me."

There was silence for a long moment before Olivia buzzed them in.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Fin asked as he pulled them both inside.

"Just wait til you see her face." Amanda returned, focusing on her footsteps as they neared the apartment door.

Fin sighed but held her close until they reached the door. He knocked quickly and it was only a moment before the door opened.

Olivia stood on the other side, her features drawn. She was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, and although the attire wasn't lingerie, she looked far too enticing in Amanda's eyes. She could see the outline of her breasts, bare beneath the thin cotton, and that alone was enough to make her heart break into a rapid beat.

"What is this?" Olivia asked, shooting an incredulous gaze at Fin.

"She's drunk." Fin said.

"I know that." Olivia snapped.

"She asked to see you." Fin said with a grimace. "She wouldn't let me take her anywhere else."

Amanda shot Olivia a half smile and the other woman looked away quickly.

"Put her on the couch." She said at last, stepping aside.

Fin dragged her inside and lowered her to the couch. She sank back against the soft cushions, her heart trembling to be inside Olivia's space again. God, she wanted to be inside her.

Fin stepped towards the door and Olivia followed him. The two of them disappeared into the hall for a long moment. Amanda strained to hear their words but all she could sense was the tenor of their voices.

When Olivia stepped back inside, her head was lowered, her jaw clenched. She shut the door and turned the lock. She stood there for a moment longer before turning towards Amanda.

"You have some nerve showing up here drunk." She said at last. "My son is in the next room."

"Sleeping I hope." Amanda said, pulling herself upright to level a half lidded gaze at her. "What I'm gonna do to you…."

Olivia's eyes flashed, her neck and jaw line flushing. "You're not going to do anything. You're not capable of consenting right now."

"And if I was?" Amanda cocked her head. "You'd find some other reason to -"

"You wouldn't be here if you weren't drunk!" Olivia cut her off, her nostrils flaring. "I know more than anyone what alcohol does to your inhibitions."

"Don't pull the dramatic shit out on me." Amanda shook her head. She held out a hand towards her. "Don't act like you don't want me."

Olivia licked her lips and glanced away, "Why are you here? The last time we talked you said not to touch you."

"I changed my mind." Amanda whispered.

"No, whatever you were drinking did that for you." Olivia said, walking past her to grab a pillow from the opposite chair. She tossed it onto the couch, saying, "You can sleep here but that's it."

Amanda reached out to her and grabbed her arm. She pulled her close with all her might, forcing her to stand between her knees. Olivia resisted, her hands grabbing onto Amanda's shoulders to hold them apart.

"Don't." She whispered, her tone sharp.

Amanda gazed up her body, her heart racing. Her groin clenched with desire, a sudden pool of arousal that nudged her into action.

She leaned forward, pressing her face to Olivia's lower stomach. She found the edge of her T-shirt and pulled it up, leaving her flesh bare to Amanda's lips.

"Stop." Olivia repeated, pulling away. She shoved Amanda's hands from her body, her face flashing with some kind of pain that Amanda couldn't quite name.

"This is what you want." Amanda whispered, fighting her own hurt. Her liquid courage burned a path of determination through her and she reached for Olivia again. "Just let me suck your pussy and you'll change your mind."

Olivia's cheeks flushed harder and she slapped Amanda's hand away. "I said stop. You're not thinking straight."

Amanda pushed herself up from the couch, swaying only slightly. "You're such a liar, Liv." She rasped, advancing upon her again.

For every step that Amanda stepped forward, Olivia stepped back until the recliner chair bumped into the back of her legs. Amanda took the chance and grabbed onto her.

Their mouths clashed together, Olivia resisting and Amanda panting. She dragged her down into the chair and shoved her knee forward between Olivia's legs, pinning her.

"Stop, stop." Olivia panted against Amanda's mouth, her hands grasping and batting at her chest.

"Fuck." Amanda panted, drawing back. "Why won't you just let me do this?"

"Because…" Olivia whispered, her eyes glazed in tears. Her hair was askew, her lips pink from Amanda's assault. She was panting heavily and this vulnerable image of her only made the blood run hotter through Amanda's veins.

"You're drunk." Olivia whispered, her voice twisting, "I can't let you do this."

"You're such a fucking bleeding heart." Amanda cursed, drawing back. She turned away and wiped her mouth slowly with her sleeve. Tears threatened at the back of her eyes and she bit her lip hard.

"I know you'd regret it." Olivia murmured.

"Just shut up." Amanda muttered, easing back down on the couch. She lowered her head to her hands and pressed them hard against her eyelids. She could feel moisture squeezing from beneath them.

A moment later she felt the couch sink next to her and Olivia's warm presence and pleasant scent engulfed her. She slid her fingers around Amanda's wrist and pulled her hand down into her lap. She laced their fingers together and held tight.

Amanda's heart ached even harder at Olivia's kind touch. She almost wished Olivia would throw her down and punish her like she used to, anything to alleviate these bursting feelings inside her.

"What would convince you of my consent?" She asked at last.

"Nothing." Olivia returned. "Not until you've slept it off."

Amanda gritted her teeth and seized her hand against Olivia's grip but she refused to let go.

"What if…" She asked at last. "What I want isn't sex?"

Olivia didn't reply for a moment but she could feel her stiffen next to her. Amanda glanced over and their gazes met, burning and yearning.

"No…" Olivia whispered.

"I haven't even said anything." Amanda returned.

"I know." Olivia looked away, her lips pursing.

Amanda pulled her hand away and slid off the couch. Kneeling beside Olivia's leg she gazed up at the other woman imploringly.

"You used to touch me all the time in a non-sexual way." She whispered, grabbing both of Olivia's hands.

"Amanda…" Olivia shook her head, her expression both horrified and aroused. Her arms strained against Amanda's hold

"I want it." Amanda insisted, squeezing Olivia's hands tighter. "Take me back there… When all I could hope for was another evening in your office."

Olivia pulled harder against her hold. Her cheeks were ablaze, her eyes dilated into black pits of desire. "You would never ask for this." She whispered.

"I am… Right here… Right now." Amanda panted.

Olivia shook her head slowly, her lips quivering as she tried to protest again.

"For tonight I forgive you." Amanda whispered. "Tomorrow we'll go back to hating each other… Another day I'll make you pay for what you've done… But tonight...I need you…"

She could see the way Olivia's body responded to her plaintive desires and she knew that she had her. Olivia wanted her more than Amanda could even know. She wanted to be wanted… Needed to be needed…

Amanda panted, letting go of Olivia's hands in order to grab her belt. She wrenched it open and tore the zipper down. Desire pounded through her as she hooked her thumbs in the waistband of her pants and pulled them down, pushing them to her knees.

At this point, Olivia's eyes were lit with fire and she grabbed Amanda by the nape of the neck. She pulled her close, her expression dark with a power that Amanda had once witnessed routinely. For the first time since seeing Olivia again, she saw the raw desire and overpowering strength that laid just under the tentative surface of Olivia's control.

"How dare you come in here...to my house... _drunk..._ " Her words hissed through her teeth and Amanda shivered at the power shuddering through Olivia's arm. She braced herself on Olivia's leg, quivering from the inside out.

Olivia's fingers slid up into her hair, twisting tight around long, fine, blonde strands. Amanda gasped as her scalp burned but in the next second Olivia was pushing her down. She fell over Olivia's legs, her face pressing into the couch cushions. Her face flushed hot as Olivia leaned down over her.

"You're lucky I don't beat you with your own belt." She threatened, her voice low and gravelly. Amanda shuddered against Olivia's legs, her body squeezing with arousal.

Maybe she wasn't thinking straight but she didn't have to be… Tomorrow she could excuse herself for this desperate, pathetic display. Tomorrow, she could explain away the rampant desire inside her….

Olivia's hand slid from her hair, dragging down her back to the edge of her panties. She hesitated for only a moment before yanking them down. Amanda gasped softly at the air washed over her naked flesh, a pale preamble to the touch of Olivia's hand. Olivia's fingertips barely brushed the curve of one cheek and she could feel her stomach quiver against her. She strained her ears for the tremble of Olivia's breath and the softest of curses.

"Hurt me…" Amanda whimpered, her belly swirling hot with need. She could feel her pussy throbbing harder as Olivia held them at the very precipice of punishment.

"I promise….it will hurt." Olivia's voice was barely steady as her hand settled over Amanda's buttock, "And I promise you'll regret this by the time I'm done."

Amanda opened her mouth to give another incenting plea, but she was jarred when Olivia's hand came down upon her willing flesh with crack. She didn't stay her hand with any amount of mercy but rather brought the first blow down hard.

Amanda had certainly received much worse from Olivia but in this moment, after all this time and anguish, perhaps this hurt the most. Underneath this binding spell of intoxication and arousal, Amanda could not feign to desire anything different. With pain on top of pain, perhaps she could expunge this heartbreak from her soul.

Olivia's arm slid around her waist, holding her tight. Amanda could feel her shaking and panting. The warmth of Olivia's body pressed down on top of her, suffocating her in waves of heat. She could hardly move when Olivia spanked her again, the rigid length of her hand falling hard. Over and over again, the blows fell, breaking across new, fresh flesh each time. Stinging, tingling pain washed across burning paths of punishment, resonating into the layers of her skin. She held onto the couch, her fingers scraping across the plush cushions as she strained to hold herself still beneath the unyielding strike of Olivia's hand.

With the alcohol running in her veins, Amanda was quick to tears, although it wasn't necessarily the pain that pushed the emotion to the brink of her eyelids. While the contact was so close, representing the best of what they'd been, Amanda could not help but yearn for more. She wished for the destructive aftermath, the moment when they couldn't stand this torture any longer. Olivia had never truly destroyed her until she had taken her and brought her pleasure rather than pain to her body. Amanda had been able to handle pain all over life….but love was something else entirely…

Amanda buried her face in the sofa, masking her choked cries into the cushions. Her body strove to fight back against the blows of Olivia's hand as it so often had, but this time Amanda did not want to refuse the pain. She accepted it, took it into body, and held it trembling in her stomach. Soon it would well up inside her until she couldn't take it anymore.

This was all she had. This was all she could afford herself and all that Olivia would ever give her tonight; and so she held herself still, trembling and whimpering as Olivia's hand cracked down against her flesh in a continuous pattern.

Where the end would appear, Amanda didn't know and at this point, she didn't truly care. For the first time in six months she didn't feel angry or hopeless or heartbroken…She just felt relieved.

Her tears melded into the couch until she couldn't suppress the cries any longer. Olivia could hear her now and at first it didn't seem to have an impact upon the other woman. She leaned hard on Amanda, her palm coming down in hard, distinctive strikes until at last the apartment fell silent.

Amanda lay across Olivia's legs, sucking in breaths through choked sobs. She didn't make any effort to move. She wanted this moment to last a little longer…. This moment where she could shirk off responsibility for her actions, where she could explain away the irrationality of it all.

Finally, Olivia touched her back, her fingers skimming slowly up to the back of her head. She petted her hair slowly and silently until Amanda sank down. Her knees eased to the floor and she sat back on her heels, staring at the ground.

"Amanda…" Olivia fingers brushed her jaw line before sliding beneath her chin. Amanda resisted the tug of her fingers at first before Olivia squeezed her chin harder, "Look at me."

Amanda shifted her eyes upwards, a blush rising on her already flushed flesh, "I'm sorry.." She whispered.

Olivia sighed softly, "I know…"

They stared at each other for a moment longer for Olivia took her arm and pulled her close.

"Come here." She said, her tone tired.

Amanda didn't resist when Olivia pulled her up onto the couch with her. She expected Olivia to sit her down and tell her that what had just happened was a mistake and wouldn't be happening ever again… But instead Olivia pulled her against her chest and laid back on the couch, her arms winding tightly around Amanda's body. Amanda didn't dare to resist this. She accepted the tight embrace and closed her eyes as her head rested against Olivia's breasts. She could hear her heart racing inside the cage of her ribs and she could feel the heat that emanated from her body; but all she could do was listen and feel in the sweet escape of Olivia's arms. This was what she had cried into her drink for, and she wouldn't break this moment.

The silence extended into minutes until their bodies had quieted and Amanda's tears had dried but even then Olivia didn't speak, and for tonight, Amanda decided, she didn't expect anything more from her.


End file.
